Waiting for a Psych Appointment? Try These Mental Health Hacks
Dear Anxiety-Ridden Health Insurance Customer,
Don’t forget — Your health insurance company cares about you! We know wait times for mental health appointments have been crazy lately! Rather than fix the root of the problem, we have some quick band-aid style fixes to help you white-knuckle your day-to-day anxiety and panic disorders until you can see a qualified doctor!
(Remember: Please consult your doctor before implementing any major lifestyle changes to your healthcare protocol.)
Wear an ice pack around your neck to reduce the chances of a panic attack under fluorescent lighting at the grocery store.
Wear a rubber band around your wrist to snap yourself back into the present when you’re feeling dissociated. (Implement this tactic at your own risk - some people consider this “self-harm” so use discretion - healing is different for everyone.)
Shock yourself with a low-grade taser — it’ll take you right out of whatever panic you might be feeling, and doesn’t even hurt that much! We actually have a discount code for this civilian model, available on Amazon! All gold account users will receive a discount code in their email. If you don’t have gold status, reach out to customer service and someone can help set you up with billing.
If you don’t already wind up losing your job due to poor mental health, don’t be afraid to take the leap yourself! Not only will it lower stress, but you might even qualify for free insurance! That might affect the current waitlist you’re on though. Best check with your provider before making any changes.
If you’re already approved for certain kinds of medications, like SSRI’s, Benzos, etc. try calling your doctor’s office — they might be willing to just call something into your pharmacy without an appointment.
If that doesn’t work — have you tried shrooms? Or ketamine? Depending on the state you live in, you might be eligible for ketamine therapy. Of course, there will be a waitlist for that too, but I’m pretty sure you can find that over the counter, or at least that sketchy guy outside the 7/11 who sort of looks like someone you went to high school with.
Try reading the Epstein files — if nothing else, you can be assured that anything you’re feeling is probably nothing compared to what you can read about in there.
If you feel like you’ve run out of options — Have you tried journaling?
No matter how you choose to cope — remember healing isn’t linear. What works for one person might not work for another. While we might only offer blanket coverage options and penalize you for having pre-existing conditions or more unique circumstances, that’s only when it comes to our long-term policies. Whatever you have to do in your spare time to deal with your immediate problems is truly none of our business.
